They don’t realize that what we have, what they want so deeply, can potentially rob of them of what we are missing so badly.

A year and a half ago I first visited the place my family left in hopes of a better life.

Since that time my heart has been yearning for that magically fractured place.

What follows are entries from my journal on the days of my visit.

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October 8, 2015

8:30 AM

As I sit under the majestic palm tree in the land of my ancestry I can’t quite explain the feeling.

There’s a vibrancy, some spark that hasn’t been snuffed out quite yet.

But over that, what you see and sense is an emptiness, sadness, lethargy, a sense that it will never change, that nothing matters and that includes “me.” But how could we feel that way in such a beauty. The ocean vast and stretching as far as your eyes can see, the simplistic beauty of the flag that flies everywhere, stripes of blue begging to speak. They love to joke, and laugh, but more to joke.

It’s almost like any joy is forbidden, or taboo.

As for me, I feel some sense of stillness of wholeness, of nothing I’ve ever really felt before – at ease, safe, adventurous.

Stillness and love.

All I feel is stillness and love.

11:55 PM

A full day in Havana and I can’t even begin to describe it.

The people all so beautiful, so mixed, so vibrant.

The group is so thoughtful and magical. Professor Pimentel – wow. And the energy of a city surrounded by ocean and a major sea wall.

I wish I had tipped my driver more, I feel I didn’t give enough of my love and he gave a lot of his.

These people do give.

They give so much of themselves.

I’m in love with this island. I’ve never felt more myself. I’ve never felt so free. I’ve never loved so hard. There are so many connections here. I feel like I’m on the verge of something huge – but aren’t we always.

What if I stopped censoring myself? Stopped pausing where there is flow. Stopped rushing or dragging my feet, but found balance instead? Took time to process when it was necessary. Opened my heart.

What does life look like if I just let go, if I don’t worry about being judged positively or negatively, because judgment is just as destructive either way.

What’s gold is understanding the value in all. That perception is just that, perception, not reality or truth, but subjective interpretation. Open your heart, process your life.

It’s never as good or as bad as you think.

It just is.

Havana.

How do you love this hard?

La isla bonita

La isla encantada

La isla bella

La isla princesa

La reina

Amor

October 9, 2015

10:55 PM

Another fabulous day filled with so much love and learning and trust. Going out on El Malecón by myself took serious guts for me.

I had to quiet that voice of doubt in my head.

And of course, I was met by more than I could have ever imagined. I would have never gotten that experience any other way. A floating hummingbird, a double rainbow to the ground. A stunning picture of a Cuban life. I love my country. I love my roots. I am safe. I am sure.

I am ready.

October 10, 2015

What a place to be, what a thing to see.

It's incredible to think how advanced this was at one time and what one’s vision can do to a whole world.

But he still had a team, he still had support and if the energy can be used for destruction and oppression it can be used for construction and liberation as well.

It just takes as much support and determination as this received.

October 25, 2015

This entry was after returning home.

As I talk about the people of Cuba it's their liveliness I can’t get over.

While in their workday it seemed as though they were dead and drained, it was clearly only temporary. The music and the fun and the life sprung up, truly it was always right underneath the surface.

When you live in an economic system that doesn’t require “hustle” or the need to get another dollar out of you, you are able to engage with a person just for the sake of engaging. There’s nothing to sell you, nothing to need out of you.

There’s just a willingness to know you, to love you, to share all that I am with you – that is their currency.